I dropped the boys off at school yesterday. As is typical I
told them each I loved them before they got out of the car. Henry almost always
responds by saying “I love you too Dad.” Sometimes this statement of love is
unprovoked. Henry offers it up before I ever say a word.
Charlie is different. He just doesn’t say “I love you” very
much. Now, he does usually respond. Though, normally it’s with a “Me too” or a “yeah”
or even an “uh-huh”. There’s usually recognition. Usually, but not always. But
to a large extent, he doesn’t say “I love you”. I can’t recall when the last
time he said it was. I don’t ever give him a hard time about it. I don’t
comment. I just observe.
Yesterday Charlie said “I love you too.”
This I observed also. I sat in the car for a moment and
watched him walk toward the school. I pulled away from the curb, out of the
parking lot, and made my way to work.
It wasn’t until lunch time that I thought about this again.
As was typical for me, I was inside my head, not really in the moment. But I’m
learning to catch myself. Sometimes it’s a sound that breaks the trance. Or a
smell. It’s too much to chronicle about, but suffice it to say that the trance
is about being somewhere else. It’s about being in the future and worrying
about what will come. Or, I’m rehashing some form of the past, massaging some
previous experience. It’s being quite caught up in the stories inside my head.
While reality is happening, I am stuck in a book, in my mind.
And so, I was brought back into the present. I felt the warm
sun on half of my body. And I noticed how cool the other side of my body felt
in the shadows. I heard car engines, footsteps, wind blowing, and my own
breath. I remembered then to return to the breath. It’s always doing its thing.
And then I was there. Reality. And I was aware that reality is all I really
have. And that is a sweet place. But it also frightens me. Because, in reality,
there is nothing to hold on to. Immediately, I want to return to the book. But
I let it go and find my breath again. Reality is a bizarre place for me. It’s a
world I’m not quite trained for. It is fraught with very basic things, like
feeling. Reality is also ever changing. It’s this idea of impermanence that
strikes fear in me. If things are impermanent, there is a chance I will suffer
loss. Not just a chance, it is mostly probable. And loss is suffering. And
suffering is reality. Because, for me, I want to hang on to something that is
good. If reality is changing, then there is nothing to hang on to. Things
break. Good things fade. The sun sets. Youth disappears. Love wanes. People
die. That thing that brought me so much joy is suddenly gone. That person left.
That job ended. That child grew up. That flower withered and died.
So I guess the lesson for me these days is to be able to
accept reality and forget about holding on to it. I stop trying to chase things
that bring pleasure and avoid things that are painful. Just be with reality. Be
with suffering. Be with myself. And to put it more practically, marvel at the
beauty of the flower, take pleasure in my children, appreciate the uniqueness
of people and relationship, be grateful for work, savor the fleeting pleasure
of youth, the mystery of love and enjoy the warm rays of the sun.
Charlie saying “I love you”, I think, is a product of my
living more fully in reality. Being in reality is a choice. It’s about letting
go. Letting go of expectations, judgments, fears. For me it’s about being at
peace with the idea that all that is real is right here in my present
experience. Maybe there is no God, no Heaven, no Hell. I don’t know. I certainly
believe there is a God, but what or who that God is, I don’t have a clue. Maybe
I will never know. We did get here by some means. And maybe it’s all invented
to give people power and control. Perhaps religion is a way to keep humans from
completely destroying one another because we are inherently bent on the need to
survive. I don’t know this either. But I’m not afraid to question it. I’m not
afraid to ask what is the point of suffering or could a world without it even
exist. Was Eden real or even possible? Two identical people in behavior and
thought, one believes in Christianity for one moment, one doesn’t. One goes to
hell, the other doesn’t? Sin? Am I a sinner or am I just human? Is there really
anything wrong with me (or anyone) or are we just trying to do the best we can
do with what we know? I don’t much believe in anything, but I get it now. I get
why it’s important to many people. It’s a way to avoid reality. It makes
suffering palatable.
I have wondered just how much I have changed over the past
couple of years. Sometimes I think I am getting nowhere, or regressing even. I
question whether I am making sound choices. But I know I am more present. I am
more aware. I’m not perfect. I still chase after things. I still get stuck in
my head. I am human. I accept that. I accept that change is gradual. I see things differently. I think I see what is important
and what is not. I see that reality never lasts long and things can’t make me
happy. I see that because of the impermanent nature of reality nothing lasts,
joy erodes. But on the other side of that equation is that pain and loneliness and
sadness are impermanent too. Feelings come in and out of reality too. And I don’t
have to jump ship when these feelings come. I can be with them. I can welcome them
and be hospitable to them.
All these things I have learned, I can put into practice by
being present with Charlie and Henry. I think being afraid of losing people, of
loss in general, suffering, has kept me from being present with them. And I see
that by escaping the present, I have already lost. So when I am with them, I am
with them. And that makes a huge difference in a relationship. I know, I grew
up with a father who was never present and I never had a relationship and I
sensed it and knew it, but now I really know it.
So, two beautiful things I attribute partially to being in
the present moment. One, Charlie was able to say “I love you.” Two, I was able
to experience tears of joy when thinking about it.
